Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone Paperback – Illustrated, March 4, 2015

I think if you had to pick one area of life where the vast majority of people fail to measure to some minimum acceptable standard it would be listening. We are all more interested in what we have to say than in listening to what others have to say.George Bernard Shaw once said, "The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place." We think we are communicating, we think we are getting through and unfortunately it is not happening.If you are looking for one area that will greatly improve your life, then learn and implement the lessons contained in Just Listen.The book is well written and highly entertaining and therefore very easy to read. But the lessons are profound.The book is divided into four sections: The Secret to Reaching Anyone; The Nine Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone; 12 Quick and Easy Ways to Achieve Buy-in and Get Through and Putting it all together: Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations. Dr. Goulston starts by giving the secrets to reaching anyone. The secrets are in understanding how the brain works. He gives a good explanation in terms anyone can understand.Then he moves to the nine core rules for getting through to anyone. I love the title of Chapter 3 - Move Yourself from "Oh F#@& to Ok". At the end of each chapter he gives a usable insight and an action step. The usable insight at the end of Chapter 3 is a remarkable lesson for everyone. "When you go from "Oh F#@& to Ok" you go from being fixated on the way you are convinced the world should or shouldn't be, but never will be, to being ready to deal with the world the way it is."Of course the most important person to getting through to is ourselves. We can easily see what others need to do. We have a lot of trouble seeing what we need to do.There are gems of wisdom scattered throughout the book. "As soon as you and a prospective customer or client first meet, the playing field is level. As soon as you try to sell or convince the other person, the power shifts to the client." This applies to all areas of life. When we try to convince others of what we want, we give power to them.There are plenty of detailed exercises throughout the book. One of the best is the six-step pause - it "wakes you up" and gets you out of the emotional brain into the rational brain.The steps are: Practice physical awareness, emotional awareness, impulse awareness, consequence awareness, solution awareness and benefit awareness. The actual steps contain more information, but this is an extremely powerful exercise and we all would be better off if we would use this more often in our daily lives.This is a highly readable and extremely useful book. There are way too many valuable lessons to capture in a short review. This is not a book to read and put on the shelf. To get the full value from this book, you need to internalize and then implement the lessons. I suspect the best way to use this book is to read it, then pick one exercise and implement it. Once you have successfully implemented that exercise, move on to the next. Do this and you will change your life.

I've always been better at 'telling' than listening. In fact I was listening impaired until my late 40's - so much so that my inability to listen nearly destroyed my most important relationships. No, I'm not going to credit Mark Goulston's "Just Listen" with saving my marriage, but I will credit Mark's book with helping me understand and develop the emotional intelligence to be more empathetic with others and with myself."Just Listen" starts out with a brief explanation of brain physiology, a model about how persuasion works and the idea of "buy-in" supported by emotionally moving anecdotal examples of how theory comes alive in practice. Mark introduces the important idea of 'mirror neuron receptor deficit' and how it affects our emotions and is the key for understanding how to listen effectively.I find Chapter 1, "Who's Holding You Hostage" one of the more powerful chapters in the book because it taps into an experience most people have had at some point in their lives - finding themselves 'held hostage' by the perception that no one understands us or can relate to the emotions we feel. These experiences don't always end in a literal gun-to-your-head standoff, but the effects can be just as devastating.The cover of "Just Listen" promises to reveal the "secret to getting through to absolutely anyone". The irony of the promise is that it includes getting through to oneself. I've read the book two times cover-to-cover and return to it frequently as a trusted resource. Mark's insights aren't a series of parlor tricks for getting what you want or manipulating others through coercion. Mark speaks to the fundamental human need for authentic connection - for being understood for who are as we are. "Just Listen" lays out 'Nine Core Rules For Getting Through to Anyone'. These rules are meant to be applied using the principle of the reciprocity - treat others the way you wish to be treated. Each of the rules can be thought of as anchor points or navigational buoys for charting a course in building effective and healthy relationships. Like navigational aids, the rules help ensure the safety of the journey. They are not the journey itself nor do they guarantee the journey will be easy. But without them you run the risk of running aground and sinking your boat.The Nine Rules are followed by twelve practical techniques for breaking through when people and situations 'get stuck'. Of the twelve techniques The Impossibility Question, "Do You Really Believe That?", Fill in the Blanks, and From Transaction to Transformation are my favorites because I have been able to make them my own and use them authentically with others. The key to using any tool or technique is to know when it is appropriate to use and when it is not. Just because you have a hammer doesn't mean everything is a nail. Mark provides adequate context for helping determine when a technique may prove useful. However, there is no substitute for preparation and practice. Using any of these techniques requires the investment of time and energy to internalize and make them your own.The last section of the book, "Putting It All Together: Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations", is a deeper dive into combining the techniques to resolve 'stickier' problems. Chapter 29, "Getting Through to Yourself" is a gem. The chapter is short but if the reader engages honestly with the material they may find it the most beneficial. In it, Mark addresses our tendency to be overly self critical by asking us to ask ourself, "What's holding you back from accomplishing your goals, and how frustrating is that for you?" Mark suggests that if the reader examines their answer to the question carefully they may discover they are suffering from their own serious mirror neuron receptor deficit.Mark's writing style is clear and concise. The structure of the book makes it come across as 'formulaic' and is designed to appeal to readers looking for a quick fix. The real value of "Just Listen" comes in reading and rereading the book over a period of months wrestling with the implications of what it means to really listen to others and what it means to be deeply heard ourselves.

I read the book twice and found the tricks offered very well explained with excellent examples of people from all walks of life.There are so many tricks offered, that for similar situations you end up having multiple to chose from. Mark at times points out to use another one if the first did not work. I therefore can see how in the end after reading the book, one may feel overwhelmed or even confused, which of the tricks to use when. It will require probably a lot of practice to use the appropriate trick at the right time.Somebody who's day to day job is to assess people and their state of minds, is exposed to the curse of knowledge and may therefore forget that it took that person years to become an expert psychiatrist and to gather all the practical experience we find in his book. So I will probably start using one or two of the offered tricks at the time and try to get good at them before moving on with the next few.In order to do that I first have to review areas that I feel I need to address within myself most and work the priority list using the tricks accordingly.Trying to use everything at once you will probably get you in some awkward situations. Just count the number of wonderful questions that are offered for different scenarios...So a few a the time. The good news is that you will have enough material to use for a long time.Mark, thank you for sharing so much of your experience with us.